When loneliness is behind the calls

This page comes from our founder’s years of answering her mother’s calls, plus published research. It is not medical advice.

What the research shows

In the IDEAL study in the UK, about a third of people living with mild to moderate dementia at home reported moderate loneliness. Living alone and depression were linked to feeling lonelier. The same research found that almost two thirds of family carers felt lonely too, about twice the rate among older people in general (Victor and colleagues, Aging & Mental Health, 2020).

So when the phone rings again, there may be two lonely people on the line.

Signs loneliness is part of the calls

• The calls come when the house is quiet: after a visitor leaves, on weekends, or in the evening.
• They ask “when are you coming?” or “where is everybody?” more than practical questions.
• Hearing your voice settles them, even for a few minutes, and the content of the call matters less.
• They live alone, or most of their day passes without a familiar face.
• The calls rise after a loss: a spouse, a friend, a pet, or a move.

Pain, infection, poor sleep, or a medication change can also make a parent call far more than usual. A sudden change is worth telling their doctor about.

What helps the loneliness

• Predictable contact. A call from you at the same times each day, for example after breakfast and before bed, gives them something to hold onto. Familiar timing matters more than length.
• More familiar faces in the week. Siblings, grandchildren, neighbors, a faith community, or an adult day program each fill part of the day. Your local Area Agency on Aging can point you to programs nearby; the Eldercare Locator at 800-677-1116 finds yours.
• Answer the feeling.“I miss you too. I’m right here.” does more than explaining when you last talked. See what to say on the phone.
• Something to look forward to. A note by the phone with who is coming and when, written large, can answer the question before they dial.
• Don’t take the phone away. For a lonely parent, a phone that never answers can make the fear worse. See should I take my mom’s phone away.

Your loneliness counts too

Answering the same call dozens of times a day is isolating work, and most of it happens where nobody sees it. Tell one person what is going on. Look for a caregiver support group, in person or online. The Alzheimer’s Association’s 24/7 Helpline at 800-272-3900 is there for caregivers, not only for the person with dementia. And see caregiver burnout from constant phone calls.

When the calls are constant

If your parent is calling over and over through the day, start with a plan for a parent calling constantly, calls at night, and separation anxiety, which often travels with loneliness. If it is your dad, or a parent in memory care, see a dad who keeps calling and calls from memory care.

Where Everline fits

Everline is for the calls you cannot pick up. It answers your loved one in your own recorded voice, as warm on the thirtieth call as the first, talks about the people and memories you taught it, and never promises a visit you have not planned. It is company in between, not a replacement for people: you still read every conversation, and the visits and calls that matter are still yours. Plans start at $79 a month.

Questions families ask