FOR FAMILIES IN THE MIDDLE OF IT
When a parent in memory care keeps calling
Moving a parent into memory care or assisted living often brings more calls, not fewer. They are in a new place, surrounded by strangers, and the phone is the one thread that still leads to you. The calls are a sign of how unsettled they feel, not of anyone failing.
This page comes from our founder’s years of caring for her mother, plus plain explanation. It is not medical advice.
Why the calls come
- A new place: unfamiliar rooms, sounds, and faces, and routines that no longer match the ones they knew.
- Memory loss: they may not remember you visited this morning, or that they called an hour ago.
- Wanting to go home: one of the most common reasons for calls in the first weeks. See when they keep asking to go home.
- Empty stretches between activities, and evenings when the day winds down.
- Something physical: pain, a urinary infection, poor sleep, or a medication change can make a parent far more anxious.
Work with the staff, not around them
The care team sees the hours you can’t. A short, friendly conversation with them often does more than anything you can say on the phone.
- Ask when the calls spike, and what is happening at those times. Often it is the gap after lunch or the evening.
- Ask whether a staff member can check in, or invite them to an activity, at those hours.
- Share what settles your parent: a song, a topic, a photo, a favorite snack.
- Agree on how staff will reach you for anything urgent, so you don’t have to answer every call to feel safe.
- Ask for a care conference if the calls or distress rise suddenly.
What to say on the call
- “I love you. You’re safe there, and they’re taking good care of you.”
- “I know it’s hard getting used to a new place. Tell me about your room.”
- “Did you have lunch yet? What did they serve today?”
Try not to promise a visit or a ride home you have not planned. The waiting that follows can make the next hours harder. Answer the feeling, keep it warm, and keep it short when you need to.
Setting up the phone
- A simple phone with your number saved under a clear name, or a large-button phone with photos, is easier than a smartphone.
- A note by the phone with who visits when, written large, can answer the question before they dial.
- Let some calls go to a sibling or another family member, so one person is not carrying them all.
For more, see a parent with dementia calling constantly, separation anxiety, and caregiver burnout from constant phone calls.
Lonely, not only forgetful? When a loved one with dementia calls over and over, loneliness is often part of it, even in a building full of people. Read dementia, loneliness, and phone calls.
Where Everline fits
Everline works from any phone, including the one in their room. When they call and you cannot pick up, it answers in your own recorded voice, talks about the people and memories you taught it, never argues with where they believe they are, and never promises a visit you have not planned. You read every conversation afterward. Plans start at $79 a month.
Questions families ask
My mom in memory care calls 20 times a day. Is that normal?
It is very common, especially in the first weeks after a move. A new place, new faces, and lost routines make many people with dementia anxious, and the phone is the one thing that still reaches family. For many families the calls ease as the new routine becomes familiar, though some parents keep calling often for a long time.
She tells me the staff are stealing from her or treating her badly. What do I do?
Take it seriously and check calmly with the care team, without arguing with her on the phone. Accusations about missing things are common in dementia, often because items get misplaced, but they deserve a look every time. If something does not add up, ask for a care conference, and contact your state's long-term care ombudsman if you have real concerns about her safety.
Should I ask the facility to take her phone away?
Usually not. For a parent who is frightened in a new place, losing the phone can make the fear worse, and many residents feel it as losing their family. It often works better to work with staff on the times of day the calls spike, and to change where the calls land, than to remove the phone.
The calls get worse in the evening. Why?
Late afternoon and evening are hard for many people with dementia, a pattern caregivers call sundowning. In a facility, evenings can also be when activities end and staffing is thinner. Ask staff what the evening looks like, and whether a calm activity or a short visit from a staff member at that hour is possible.
Is it your dad? Read when your dad with dementia keeps calling.